Are we there yet?

screen-beans-clip-art-560168*** Disclosure: This post was written to a specific audience, the first paragraph will help you to decide if you want to proceed***

Without a word or warning, our defense radar often appears when a possible suitor walks in the room–we become the:

‘strongintellectualblackwomanwhobeentheredonethat

gotthet-shirtsodonttrynosh*tnorgamewitmeblackman’.

Looking back over a lifetime of varied experiences I can honestly say no woman can have it all. When you are pursuing your goals, your dream, your future–it becomes your lover, your husband. If you have a man in your life, it becomes a threesome and will get ugly. There must be compromise, consensus–the kind of thing love would do. Don’t forget the man should have some goals of his own–right?

Regardless of what you have been through or was told by a former lover, spouse, or suitor, every man and every relationship is different. Wisdom and humility must be exercised. Humility does not mean you have to bow down or abandon your career because ‘that’s what he wants’. Humility is when you choose to hold your cards close because you know your value and you don’t need anyone to define you. It’s about forward thinking choices and making positive decisions. A healthy sense of self will help you get through those ‘I’m in heat/I’m fat/I’m ugly/I’m desperate and he will do’ seasons.

After two failed marriages, and many failed relationships, I found I didn’t love these men, I didn’t even love myself (in a healthy way). I wanted romance, sex, a Mrs. in front of my name, social standing, etc.

A man I dated bragged about a friend of his who he claimed could get anyone he wanted. He was a handsome, heterosexual, millionaire–he had it all. Women threw themselves at him. Said he never wanted to get married. I told my friend, oh, he’ll get married. He will marry the woman who’s wise enough not to chase him.

Sure enough, a few years later, I heard he got married to an average looking, educated woman who knew her worth. From what I heard, he was intrigued with her and pursued her for a while before she would even date him. She was not impressed with him and, according to him, ‘she always seemed like she was preoccupied and never had time for me. I swore she was seeing someone else’. She was seeing someone else–herself. He finally broke down and asked her what did he have to do to win her affection. She told him–He changed–and they soon walked down the aisle.

Moral of the story: People are quick to advise those that are seeking a relationship ‘just be yourself’. That’s difficult to do when you don’t know who you are. Discover yourself–the good, bad and the ugly, date yourself, become your own best friend. Commit to an evolving spiritual, mental and physical health journey. People are watching more than you think.

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